My Little Secret (The Breaking Series Book 3) Read online

  But the anxiety gnawed at me so much I had to give her something. It hurt to know that she felt like shit about it. And maybe I’d let her suffer enough.

  I sent her a message after training that day. It was short and to the point. “Ok I’m ready to talk.”

  Her response came so fast it seemed like she’d sent it before my message even came through. “Can I come see you?”

  My stomach wrenched. That didn’t seem like a good idea. But also it seemed like the best idea. I didn’t want to have this conversation over text. But did it even deserve a conversation? Shit like this was better to just leave alone, let it die off and disappear by itself. I’d allowed plenty of hook-ups and flings to just wither away from ignoring texts. Most women didn’t hold my attention for longer than two dates anyway—seemed the pool that came my way was boring, shallow, grasping, and more interested in the spotlight than me.

  I ran my tongue over my front teeth as I thought about my options. I didn’t have time for shady behavior or manipulators. But Sadie was different. Seemed like we’d gone from strangers to a steady couple in the span of a week and a half. She would fascinate me until the end of time.

  “Tonight. Come over at 8.” That was the most I could give her. Besides, cavorting with the competition the night before weigh-in seemed unwise. Letting in the sister of my opponent was dumber than dumb. If word got out…shit. The tabloids would have a field day.

  Eight p.m. arrived faster than I wanted. I paced my suite, nerves hopping as I awaited the knock. When it came, I yanked open the door so hard it hit the wall. Sadie looked up at me with wide eyes.

  “Break it off the doorjamb, why doncha?” she said.

  I smirked, stepping aside. “Don’t you start with the coy shit.”

  And just like that the familiar energy pulsed between us, so sweet and alluring that it dissolved all the confusion of the past twenty-four hours in a second. She stepped inside, offering a small smile.

  “Hawk, I’m sorry.”

  I shut the door slowly, nodding. “Yeah, heard that.”

  “I’m not a liar, I swear.” She paused, cursing softly. “I mean, obviously I was a liar with you. But it’s not how I am. It’s not what I believe in.”

  I walked into the suite, and she trailed behind me. I sat in the arm chair and she sank into the couch, her coat still on.

  “You gonna take that off?”

  “I have a feeling you’re gonna kick me out. Might as well just be prepared.”

  I grinned a little but squashed it. “I’m not kicking you out, Sadie. I’m the one who told you to come over.”

  She nodded, slipping the coat off her shoulders. A whiff of her perfume reached me, and if her mere presence hadn’t made everything right, that vanilla bean scent sure did. I swallowed hard, steeling myself against her charms. Against that impossibly sweet heart-shaped face.

  “I knew who you were when I saw you that night. I wasn’t lying, I really have been your fan for a year.”

  “Must bother your brother,” I said, clenching and unclenching my fist.

  “He doesn’t know. I haven’t told my family.” She scoffed. “I’m not that dumb.”

  “So why’d you come on to me?”

  “Because you’re fucking hot!” Her eyes got wide. “How could I not? Jesus, Hawk, I’ve been dying to meet you.”

  “And you just conveniently left out the part about how you’re related to my rival? And that you fucking manage his platform?”

  Her face fell. “You found out about that part. That’s what I wanted to explain.”

  “Yeah, I know how to use the internet.” I sniffed, keeping my eyes focused on a small area of the arm rest. Anything to avoid meeting her gaze.

  “I don’t feel good about it,” she said in a low, wavering voice. “But it’s my job. I’m on his payroll. And when he’s scheduled to fight someone, I have to do what’s best for his career. It’s not personal. You’re not the only one I’ve attacked.”

  My eyebrows shot up, and I leaned forward. “So you’re the one who’s been making up all this outrageous shit about me?”

  Hurt slashed across her face. “I haven’t made up anything. I do my own damn research. Everything that I’ve given him has sources.”

  “Yeah, but what sources?” I leaned back into my seat. “I’d love to know where the accusation that I gave Jennifer Lawrence herpes came from.”

  She got quiet, gnawing at the inside of her lip. “Brute might have made that one up.”

  I scoffed. “Yeah.”

  A painful silence divided us. She wrung her hands on her lap.

  “I don’t know how to handle this.” She shrugged. “It’s why I couldn’t tell you. I wanted to tell you—I just didn’t know where to start. And this is exactly why.”

  I picked at something invisible on the arm rest. “You could have told me the night we met.”

  “Yeah, right. I was talking to my celebrity crush. You think I wanted to ruin the way you were looking at me? If I had told you, you would have walked the other way.”

  I looked up at her. She was right. “Well, now I have to walk the other way.”

  She frowned, almost pouting. “Don’t say that.”

  “What are we supposed to do? You’re a liability now.” I dragged my gaze up to meet hers. It was the truth. “How do I know you aren’t using what you’re learning against me?”

  Her face paled. “I would never. That is outrageous.”

  “How do I know?” Blood streaked through my veins. This was the real meat of the matter. “I have to protect my career, too. I get that you’re doing your job. But this is a fucking conflict of interest.”

  She covered her face with her hands. Her voice came out muffled. “I know. I know. I just…I can’t stay away from you. I honestly only meant to buy you a drink and say hi. I didn’t think any of this would happen.”

  “Why the hell did you buy me a drink?” I scoffed. This little detail had been nagging at me since I found out she was more than acquainted with the MMA schedule. “You know as well as anyone that I can’t drink during training.”

  “I was trying to get you to notice me,” she wailed.

  “Well, it worked.” I crossed an ankle over my knee. “We even fucked. Great job. Maybe Brute sent you to distract me so he could win the match.”

  Her face flushed. “He would never. Not even to win the match. Trust me, this was all my doing.”

  It was hard to stay mad. Even when nothing made sense and the right path forward was unclear…I still wanted to be around her. I didn’t want this to be goodbye.

  “Well…I guess that’s it then.” Her voice came out watery, as if maybe tears weren’t far behind. My heart cracked a little. “Now you know. I’m a shady gym rat who lures men with alcohol and sex.”

  I laughed despite her somber tone. “Oh, come on.”

  “This secret is safe with me,” she went on, sliding her coat on. “What happened between us will never figure into my brother’s career. I promise you that. And you can smear me in the news if I break that promise.”

  I tutted. “Sadie—”

  “I really think you’re awesome, Hawk.” She sniffed and stood, her mouth turned into a cute little frown as she buttoned her coat. “It’s why I didn’t want to ruin this. But that was just me being hopeful.”

  “Take off your coat.”

  Her glittery green eyes slid to meet mine. “What?”

  “Just stay.” I said it with a sigh. There was no way around it. I wanted her. Still. It thrummed through me, pushing me to make this decision even though it made no sense. She’d lied to me. Willingly withheld information. I’d found out only because I spotted her. Irritation flickered again, but her nearness made that all melt away, like sunshine on snow.

  Sadie was something else. I didn’t quite understand it…just needed more of it.

  “But don’t we have to stop this?” She gestured around her, at whatever this was.

  “Yes, we do. But tomorrow.�
�� I leaned forward, grabbing her by the hips. She stepped toward me hesitantly, as if maybe this was a joke.

  “Tomorrow?” Her voice sounded miles away as I smoothed my palms over the tops of her thighs, feeling that familiar wash of lust and nostalgia. Sadie was new to me, but she felt like coming home. And I couldn’t say no to that. So I’d indulge just one more time.

  “God, we’re dumb,” she said quietly.

  “Yeah.” I undid the buttons of her coat slowly, nodding up at her. “We sure are.”

  Chapter 10

  SADIE

  Six a.m. came early, and I woke up with a knot in my gut. Hawk stirred beside me, groaning as he pulled me into his arms.

  “No time for shenanigans,” I lightly chided. We’d messed around again the night before; I’d come twice. Two for the road, I’d joked, but it made me sad. I didn’t want this to be goodbye. “You’ve got weigh-in and I have to go sneak back to my room like a high schooler.”

  “Maybe you should let him catch you,” he said, his voice groggy. He rubbed at an eye. “Then he’ll be pissed enough to put up a good fight.”

  I stilled, sending him a flat look. “Okay, that’s enough. None of this shit talking while we’re in bed.”

  He cackled, pinching my sides. “Sorry, babe. It’s the shit talker in me.”

  I rolled my eyes, slipping out of bed. In the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and brushed my teeth with the toothbrush that I’d left at his place—because we were basically a couple already, one that was breaking up as soon as I set foot out of the hotel room.

  When I came back into the bedroom, Hawk was sitting up, scrolling through his phone.

  “Weigh-in’s at ten,” he said flatly. “See you there?”

  I sighed. “Yeah, I guess. And at the match too, where I won’t be rooting for anyone.”

  He watched me for a moment then looked back down at his phone.

  I got dressed, the weird situation roiling my gut like the predecessor to food poisoning. This was gonna be so weird. I wanted my brother to win—part of my paycheck also depended on it—but I wanted Hawk to perform well, too. It was sexy as fuck to watch Hawk fight on television, and now I’d see it in the flesh. Against my own brother. It was different now than the first time they’d fought. Before, Hawk had only been a job. Now, he was somewhere between Idol status and Friend. It was a bizarre mix of excitement and despair.

  When I was dressed, I came around the bed to face Hawk. “Last kiss.”

  He looked up, those dark eyes snagging me just as they had the first night. The way they might for the rest of my life. “Does it have to be?”

  “We both said it does.” I grabbed his chin between my fingers, trying to memorize every inch of his face, down to the last pore. Who was I kidding? I would never be able to forget this man.

  “Are you gonna tell your brother?”

  I snorted. “Fuck no. I’m not stupid.” But as the words came out, I wondered at their truth. Maybe I should tell him. Not just because it would help the fight...because…I wanted to see Hawk again. Maybe I should just get it out in the open now and let the pieces fall where they may. I almost opened my mouth to correct myself, but I couldn’t. It was too uncertain.

  His gaze roamed my face as he reached for my hand. “Fuck, Sadie. I hate goodbyes.”

  “Me too.” This one was worse than usual. Every part of me, all the way down to my white blood cells, wanted to keep seeing this man. “I’ll really miss you, Hawk.”

  His brow creased. “It’s too early for this shit.”

  I stroked my thumb along his jawline, and then I leaned forward, mashing my mouth against his. We kissed hungrily, desperately, because it was the last time, the last gulp of his scent, the last of his scruff against my face, the last time before all the times dissolved into distant memories.

  “I’ll see ya around,” I whispered, pressing my forehead to his. This hurt way more than it should have. I tore myself away, grabbing my coat on the way out. When the door shut behind me, I let one lone tear wander all the way down my cheek before wiping it away.

  You’re losing it. You didn’t even have anything with this guy. I hugged myself on the way down in the elevator, prepping myself for the bitter cold outside. Except I did have something with that guy, something that felt nice, something that begged me to explore further. But we couldn’t.

  So we wouldn’t.

  I made the fast walk to my hotel, keeping my head down against the driving wind. As soon as I reached the lobby, I exhaled a breath I’d been holding without realizing. Heat seeped through me, making my limbs looser. I unbuttoned my coat as I crossed the lobby, eager to get a warm shower and into some layers.

  “Sadie?”

  Brute’s voice made me grimace. I paused, turning toward the sound of his voice. There he was, by the front desk, looking at me with raised brows.

  “Morning, Brute.” I offered a breezy smile until I remembered I was clearly coming in from somewhere. Oh shit.

  “Where were you?” He strutted closer, nodding my way.

  “Uh…” Brain slammed against skull. “Out.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Where?”

  “Why does it matter?”

  “Doesn’t, I guess.” He shrugged. “Just curious.”

  My heart slammed against my ribs, searching for an excuse. “Well, if it doesn’t matter then I don’t have to tell you.” I tried to keep the tone light. Just tell him. Lying to Hawk had been bad enough. Now, was I going to spend my whole life lying to my family? Frustration swept through me.

  Brute snorted. “We’re not fifteen still, you know. If you went out for a hook-up, trust me, I totally get it.”

  The man had a list of hook-ups a mile long—of course he’d understand. My heart picked up a desperate beat. “Well, fine then. I did.”

  Brute cracked a grin. “I knew it. Sadie got laaaaid. Who was it?”

  Cymbals crashed between my ears, and my vision almost went gray. Just tell him, just tell him. I was done with the sneaking and the lying. I was too old for this shit. Brute didn’t control my life or my choices, even when it got professionally murky. “I went to see Hawk last night.”

  He blinked. “What?”

  “You heard me.” I tightened my coat around me, even though I was suddenly hot.

  His reaction moved across his face in slow-mo. It was worse than a B-actor showing surprise. “Fucking Hawk?”

  I bristled. “Yes. We’ve been…you know…meeting up.”

  His neck went red, veins popping out. “Sadie, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “Nothing,” I hissed, heading for the elevators. He followed close behind.

  “Is that why you were talking to him yesterday?”

  “Yes. Among other reasons.” I couldn’t get into the whole thing with Brute right now. I just wanted to get into my warm shower and move past all this.

  Brute scoffed, running a hand over the top of his head. “I can’t believe you.”

  “Well? Who cares? This is my personal life.”

  His face shone with hurt frothing into shock. “But this is my career. Which you fucking own, by the way.”

  I tapped my foot as the digital numbers ticked downward. “Well, I’m not seeing him again, so don’t worry your pretty little head.”

  He huffed, nostrils flaring. “But fucking Hawk?”

  I sighed, stomping into the elevator once the doors slid open. Brute stood gawking at me from the lobby. “Can we just forget about this for now? You have bigger things to worry about. Like weigh-in.”

  The doors slid shut before he responded, and I leaned against the wall, head throbbing. This was too much, too early. And though standing my ground felt good, I knew there was more to come.

  Hours crept by as I waited for the group trip to weigh-in. My skin itched to see Hawk while I was desperate to avoid all contact with my family, perhaps indefinitely. I could probably just communicate via email and text from now on. The ghost of their former daughter. Bru
te’s career could be remote, everything would be fine.

  I arrived in the lobby only minutes before we were scheduled to leave. Brute looked dour and approached me immediately.

  “I told mom and dad,” he said.

  “Jesus. What are you, five?” I groaned, pulling my BRUTE jacket tight around me.

  “I’m your older brother, and I’m rescuing you from whatever dark road you’ve started down.”

  I scoffed, hugging my purse tighter to my side. My father looked on disapprovingly as I came nearer. My mom shook her head.

  “Well, you’ve heard the news. I banged the enemy.”

  My mom sighed exaggeratedly. “But honey, now of all times? When this fight is so important?”

  “Your loyalties are skewed,” my brother said, breezing past me in his own team jacket. His shock had simmered into a resentment, I could taste it in the air. We moved toward the front door, where the car had pulled up outside. We got in quietly, and nobody said a word for at least a mile.

  “It was just a one-off thing,” I said, as though the conversation hadn’t completely stalled.

  “Let’s hope,” my father said ominously.

  I shook my head, glowering out the window. This was only a big deal because of my brother’s career; it had nothing to do with Hawk himself. They didn’t even know him.

  I fingered my phone inside my purse, already feeling the burbling urge to send Hawk a text. I couldn’t go four hours without contact? If that was the case, I had a bigger problem on my hands. I shoved my purse away, resolving to stay strong. It would just be a few days before I stopped thinking about Hawk. Or maybe a few years. Either way, it had to die off eventually. Once I stopped watering the metaphorical garden of my desires, all these weeds would wither off.

  At the studio where weigh-in was scheduled, the street swarmed with fans desperate for a glimpse of the fighters. This was a ticketed event, yet another moneymaker in the fight schedule. Brute raised his black hood, obscuring his face before he opened the door. A swell of cheers flooded the SUV, and Brute launched himself down the red carpet, raising his fists victoriously.